Some Favorite Deep Thoughts

Because back in the day, I loved me some Jack Handey…


Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we’ll never know.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.

If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.


2 thoughts on “Some Favorite Deep Thoughts

  1. I STILL laugh so deeply at these. My mom thought I was crazy when I was so “into” my Deep Thoughts (and Deeper Thoughts) books. She never understood, but my sister and friends and I would cry with laughter.

    I LOVED the ones you put. Purely from memory (no idea where my books are now) my faves (in addition to the Uncle Caveman one, that was one of my faves) were:

    The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

    If aliens ever invade Earth and make people their pets, I hope I get one of those little doggie beds with my name on it.

    If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We probably would be, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

    I love me some Jack Handy, and I love me some Minnesota Mom!!

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